Review

Lemme tell yous about my birfday dis year when I turned the ripe ole age of… well whoscountin. So… I hooked up wit dis broad I met down when payin a little fine down at traffic court. We got to talkin while I was waitin to plead down to dis judge by droppin a couple names. I could tell right away she was into my pinky rings and my matchin gold necklace, so I made up my mind to take a shot at dis medigan. I really wanted to take someone out on my oh so special day, so… I ahh…promised to take her to her AA meeting later dat night. Little did she know I was gonna take her out for a couple steaks, bad jokes, and deal wit da general aggravation of me havin too many dewers on the rocks. Let it be known, dat soon as we hit center city, she knew she wasn’t getting to that AA meetin and decided to jump out of da ole IROC when she spotted a cop while I was waitin for a red light. Thank Chirst for my eight cylinders. When I got to Fogo de Chao, I hooked up wit my boys Freddie “knuckles” and Johnny “Tires” who were already poundin a few back at the bar. Da staff der knew right away we was gonna be a bad load so dey sat us down immediately. Dis place was nice, I mean like real nice..so nice I was glad I wore my hot new polyester green suit that I borrowed from my uncle Sammy. But even da décor of dis joint couldn’t prepare me for what I was about to see next. I sat down wit one dose brazillian drinks and dis Brazilian cowboy told us that if we wanted to eat we just gotta turn our coaster on green and dey will bring us an infinite amount of beef and when we had enough (dis is when he rolled his eyes at me) turn dat coaster over and let it show red. The salad bar there is great I mean, lets face it, I don’t eat too many salads, but even I was impressed. Dey had all the salami, prosciutto and provolone you could humanly consume. Dis alone made me fall in love wit Fogo de Chao. So as we got done gettin our fangs around some vegetables and meat we started wit da main course. So we turned our coasters from red to green and we let da glutton olympics begin. So da gimmick here is dey get deez skinny bastards to walk around wit spits of meat from table to table. You want da meat? You get da meat, all yous need to do is grunt and have your coaster set to green. You get so many choices of beef that if you try to eat all of them, you will be on da fastlane havin your first heartattack. The food itself is about as good as ma’s (it’s safe for me to say dat, she just got webTV) and da drinks are great. We was drinkin dis Cuban rum, it was like a mojito wit some ballz, WOW. After a few of deez you don’t feel like your belt diggin into your belly, which eerily reminded me of my restraining order my neighbor’s got on me. So after an hour of stuffing ourselves (we weighed in over 900lbs. pre gorge) by way of consuming a cow and half we was obviously lookin for some after dinner drinks. So guess what, they brought this after dinner cart out that rivaled the size of a Yugo. Right away I thought all my gambling was forgivin and I went to heaven. I mean dis cart was like an alcoholics dream. I myself had some grappa and Freddie “knuckles” had some after dinner wine, I mean cmon, whata Sally, but he was grabbin da check I had to keep my mouth shut. To summarize dis place was great, a hungry man’s dream.

Da only drawback is that this place ain’t cheap, I mean I even went through that broads purse while she was out grabbin smokes and grabbed an extra fifty and I still needed to dig into my second pile. I mean your dropping $50 bucks a piece just on da beef, coupled wit drinks before, during and after your talkin like at least $100 a guy depending on your alcohol tolerance. Heads up deadbeats, even though da cart is great after da meal, it quickly kicked our check up another $125 alone.

Da parkin situation is ok cause dey got free valet service, would have been better if deez kids didn’t misplace my IROC for about an hour. I mean I know how cool my chariot is and I am sure dose kids were powerless to da sheer sex appeal of da IROC, but cmon. Although it was free it forever to get my ride, so for another $10 I got my car parked and got aggravated after droppin a small fortune inside.

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